Letting Emotions Out
by SADAndLoved
Summary: Is this breaking the guidelines? Idk. Just my feelings. R&R if you want.
1. Claw

_I can't believe I'm at such a point in my life. I don't wanna live anymore. What's the point? I'm not gonna go anywhere in life, and god I wish I could just escape. Yeah, you hear that God? You, up there so high. Please take me. This life is to scary for a wimp like me. Sure other people have worser problems than mines, There are little kids that are fighting to survive. Ones with skin, lung, heart diseases. God please take some girl or boys cancer and give it to me, let them be free to live the life that every child should be able to live. I've lived my childhood, and now at the age of 15, I can't. I just can't. Period. My mom and my brother they say, it's ok. You failed Freshman year, it's normal, just focus and you'll pass. Lies. Sure, I'm not dumb. Not even. But I won't go back there,to that hell of a public school. I know so many kids don't have the opprutunity to go there. But I had it, and I wish I never did, I wish I could give it to someone else. It's terrifying. Anxiety creeps over me even when I think about it. All the people, with judging eyes. They can see how frightened I am. Why? Why, can't I be fearless like..Taylor swift, or the cheerleader in blue and gold. Is it because I was teased when I was young? It couldn't be, because that only made me strong. I didn't think they'd hurt me. Not at all. I just..can't. And that's why I don't deserve to live. I need a remedy, could those pills really help this type of deep dark _anxiety? I don't know. I don't know anything, and everything is happening oh so fast. Summer is at it's end, and why do I have to go back there? Can I run away? No. I have nowhere to go. Home won't feel like home anymore. Because I will refuse to go. Hell, I'd rather get tooken by the police, get thrown into juvy or something crueler than that. Suicide won't be that far out of reach. Just get one of the jailguards guns, pull the trigger. Bang. I'm done. God that'd be great. Thinking about killing myself it makes me smile. And really I am just hiding from my problems. And all my problems may seem so simple and stupid to you but to me. They are giants. Hideous, gimangous giants. That I can't fight. I can't beat them, they're clawing me down,and with ever scratch, I bleed more and die a little more inside. I can't even watch my favorite tv show without feeling an emptiness so deep in my soul. Yet my mom says, I have to keep going. Why? For her. Just to please her. What type of mom takes pleasure in seeing their daughter suffer so badly? She undestands. Yeah. OF course she does. Yet she says I still have to go, to that place, that hell, that is burning me to pieces, smitherens every single day. I'm not protected. I have no armor. And I'm melting slowly. I can't be myself, my personality, my smile, they are all gone. And now I'm all synthetic. All fake. Sure I can feel happy, for one second, watching seddie. But then it fades, and I'm being phony once again putting on a brave façade for my brother, for my dad. For my mom, even though, she probably sees through me. I cry, when I talk about it, but now typing it, I feel no emotions. Not a bit of sadness, nor bitterness or Anger. Because that's just how it is. If only I were dead. If only. Heres a knife. Stab me, right in the heart, it's not like it's functioning. What good could It do? I'm going nowhere in my life. I don't think I'll ever go anywhere, except for to the streets of Chicago when my mom kicks me out at 18 (If I even make it to that age) I'll be a prostitute..ha. No. That's a laugh. Nobody would want to touch something as hideous as this. I'll just..be a begger. Cup in my hand, asking for help. Like. A hobo..but not even the good kind. I'll die alone, hopefully sooner than later.

A/N : So..just letting out how I feel. Review if you can give me some help, or mabe if you have ever felt the same way? Idk. I doubt someone has. Im a freak of nature.


	2. A Painful Kiss?

So...Have you had your first kiss yet? If you have...how do you remember it? Was it magical. So-so? Terribly bad? Does it make you smile when you think about it. Cringe? Laugh?

I can't say I'm proud to tell you...because I'm not. But on September 28, 2011, I received my first kiss. I know it seems like a good thing right? But idk how I'm even suppose to feel about it. I mean...it was in a mental hospital for peakessake! How many people can say that their first kiss was in a mental hospital? _Not many_.

But anyways, if you read my profile, you'd know that I'm bi. Now I knew this only through what I felt towards girls, and the little crushes I'd get on my classmates. I never knew through actual experience because well...I'm not allowed to date, and I follow the rules. (Well most of the time teehee :P )

My roomate at the Hospital. Her name was something that started with A D, ended with an E, and had A ominiqu in the middle. She wasn't the best roomate. Not at all, but I didn't mind. I have very high tolerance for people, so it was whatever. She tended to be very aggressive though...like she kicked me in the arsenole a lot. It didn't hurt, so...I was like whatevs. I didn't see her in a romantic way though because honestly I wasn't attracted to her and well...she was pregnant + taken by her baby daddy. I'm shy so I didn't talk much...I let her do that, and just like...laughed and replied the appropriate reaction whenever I was suppose to. She called me awkward, weird and boring, and said that she wanted a new roomate bluntly and seriously. And also she jokingly said I was ugly. I didn't let it offend me. She was technically a stranger. And I thought that after I left, I wouldn't ever think of her again anyways. _Boy was I wrong_.

The night before the day I was suppose to leave, we were just chillin. I was laying down but she wouldn't let me go to sleep. (She never let me go to sleep _ever) _I was tired though, seriously, and so I kept trying to anyways. At first she was only playfully trying to smother me with the pillows. (Yeah that's such a normal thing to say, right?) and I'd just push her off or whatever, and try to get some shut eye again. But then something a little _off _happened. And honestly I didn't see how bad it was then. I just thought _What the bloody fuck? _Because she had pinched one of my... Erm female upper parts and like slapped me on my ass in attempts to get me up. I was stunned for like...a few seconds but like...I didn't tell her that that wasn't cool. And get this. _SHe did it again. _But then the staff came in and told us it was time for us to go to bed, so I flopped down, and tried to sleep again. She had left me alone, and I figured she would for the rest of the night. (Figured that she had worn tired of me, thankfully) But 10 minutes into an almost sleep. (It takes me awhile to fall into a slumber) I felt her tapping me on the shoulder. I sat up and she handed me pencil, paper, and my glasses. The paper read.

'I'm so gay for you right now, can I fuck you?'

Honestly I blinked at it for so long that my eyes could of just stopped functioning, but then I wrote.

'Are you serious?' Because obviously she _hAd _to be joking.

'Yes. Just for 30 seconds, please' She begged.

'Your hilarious. But no" I stated, playing along with her.

"Seriously just let me, if you don't I'll cry" she Scribbled. (Seriously it looked like scribble-scrabble...her writing really sucked.)

"If you cry, I'll laugh" I replied. Yes, it was harsh. But really...I wanted to go to sleep, and I figured it would make her leave me alone. I was right. Kind of. She went to her bed and I layed back down. A minute later she was sitting on my bed and I asked 'What?' Kind of annoyed. She had a weird look on her face and she put my loose hair behind my ear and took off my glasses. I was still, confused, but somewhat scared to speak. And like...that's when it happened. I realized she hadn't been kidding all along as she leaned down and kissed me.

At first I didn't react. And like...can you blame me? I was surprised...and then I just kissed back. Idk why. I just _did_. And like...I've written so many fan fictions with characters that have their first kiss in them (not on this account tho, just on paper) And I always described it something like...Tingles spread all over their body, their heart filled with passion and warmth, the world seemed to stop around them... Pth.

Mines was nothing like that.

I felt nothing. Like nothing at all...and like...that makes me gloomy. She went to go check if anyone was coming (Because we couldn't close our doors) And then she leaned down to kiss mee _again. And again...I didn't stop her. Maybe it's because I was a little disappointed about the first kiss, and I thought...maybe just maybe the second one would be special... But again it was bad. _

_She knew what she was doing for sure, but nothing happened. My heart didn't even skip a beat. Though this time...the kiss wasn't sweet and innocent. She added tongue. And that's the part that scares me the most each time I think about it. I still let her continue...I used my tongue too... (Reading stories about thousands of kisses kinda gives you a head start on how to do it, ya know ;) ) and she wrapped her arms around my back. I embraced her too...and when she whispered a quiet 'Goodnight' Afterwards that's when all the emotions sinked in._

_Guilt, because honestly. I was a bitch. A stupid little bitch. How could I kiss a pregnant girl who already has a boyfriend. How could I not stop her? What kind of weak pitiful weirdo am I? _

_Fear. Because I kept feeling like she was gonna come over and kiss me again. I didn't want that. I really didn't. I kinda feared she might try to do worse too..._

_Sad. Because that was my first kiss. I planned it to be somewhere special, with someone I Really cared about. Maybe under a cherry blossom tree in Japan somewhere. Sad because I couldn't take it back. Just sad..._

_Panicky, because I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I tried to get to sleep. Tried to so bad but I just couldn't stop...I was panicking even more because my anxiety was on full-throttle at that point. And like, I could hardly catch a breath. _

_And well... Even now basically two days later, I still feel anxious when I think about it. Will that ever go away? Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Am I making too much of a big deal out of this? I don't know. I'm just...distraught I guess. Any help? _

_Oh...and I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone later on. I kinda figured that meant the hospital kids, but...just in case. Don't tell...okay guys? :P_

_Words of wisdom though, seriously. I need it. Reaaaaal bad._


	3. Unicorns Are Prettier

So like, I guess I havent really done much on this site reccently except for upload a few chapters in some lame story and review chizz so like, I decided to update this and express stuff since nobody seemed to mind it the last two times for some reason, and I really have no where else to put this..idk who to talk to. If you haven't looked at my first chapter or recognize me, you might not understand so...any help is needed though.

So, I'm alive if you didnt know. Hooray. *Waits for clapping of hands and celebatory actions"

Eh hem. Well, i guess I have been ignoring private messages due to the fact that I feel so -zombie. Dull. Icky.

I am NOT happy with my life, but i under no circumstance want to die. I haven't been in school since October. I guess you can call me a drop-out... but don't. If you do I will cry long-lasting tears like the baby child I am. I applied for a online school and found out I was waitlisted a few weeks ago. I'm applying for another one soon.

This is boring, yeah?

Well..my life is boring right now. So deal with it. (I say with love :P )

Currently my everyday consists of writing Lesbian filled Bratz fanfictions that I will never upload (is there even a bratz section on here?) playing the sims 3 and becoming addicted to modding on that game. (REHAB PWEASE) and watching reality tv shows on demand about who has the best ink. (I loved Alexis and London :) )

So, let's get to the depressing stuff, yeah?

No?

You want to talk about unicorns?

Well to bad. It aint happening. (I say with more love! )

My biggest problem right now, as of this moment, this present time, right now, not later, but now, and for the past 3 or 4 months is my self esteem. -gasp- I know, right? Because certainely someone this awesome should have SO much confidence that it drips Trinatude, right?

Wrong.

I'm not awesome. I'm personalityless for one -Because I can type and show emotions and people go -Whoa she's not a loser! (I hope o_e ) But in real you'd be all Hi..and i'd be all. "Hi..." and then I'd look at the ground and get really scared and hot and sweaty. That's social anxiety for you. The only time in real I can be myself somewhat is with my brother and my mom, and even then I dont know what 'myself' really is..I can just respond then without feeling fear. Responding is good though, right?

Though I fear for my boring personality...It's what's on the inside that counts-people say that. Do they mean personality or like..your emotional caringness..ness... I REALLY hope it's the last one, because I do have a heart if i can say ONE good thing about myself. All genuine and sweet here.

_Hoo-rah._

There was a 'though' at the beginning of that paragraph wasnt it? Go check. Yes? No? Well. There was something I wanted to say before I got sidetracked.

Though I fear for my boring personality -My looks are what bothers me the most.

I know. I know. You are probably thinking 'Oh god, here comes another insecure frilly teenager with her petty self esteem issues spewing out of her knees'

It's not like that!

It is.

But it's not...I just. Hate my face. My body. My mom says i'm beautiful. (Like, that REALLY means something. Is she not required to say that? I think she is..) I think i'm..ugly? Not pretty. I'll go with the last one. I hate how 'Unique' i look and wish I could look like a..paris hilton, or a Carly rae jespen...but Nooo. I got this strange genetic-mix of weirdness that i'm pretty sure noone really finds attractive. (Ya know, other then the_ street thugs _around my town that i'm sure sell _illegal drugs _and carry _guns_ under their shirts)...

I believe in true love.

Just not for myself.

I truly don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a unattractive failure with no sort of perks. I feel like..if anyone liked me, they must be blind, like apathy, dislike entertainment, and have no standards.

I have no standards as of forever. Sadly, I would date anyone who would date me...and knowing myself, honestly, truly..I would probably let someone walk all over me, as long as they SAID they loved me, and didnt tell the truth and say they were disgusted by me. I could see myself being abused..and staying. Around my family i'm always the one that goes 'If I were her i'd leave his sorry ass' (Even if I know it's more diffucult than that for those poor girls, and knowing I wouldn't actually at all. Knowing i'd stay..)

There is this guy i've been texting for two years (We have never met) And i'd always send photos. He tells me i'm pretty and has admitted this year that he likes me, but we are still friends because, I honestly couldn't do that to him...He WORKS, and at a beach for godsakes. All the girls in bikinis? Me in a bikini = oh god. Cover your eyes. I'm not fat or anything..but. Scretchmarks, chubby thighs and discolorization all over. HELP me. -.-

I always let him know that..I wouldnt feel right doing that.

I know i have two opposite paragraphs there, don't I? Well I guess, i'm trying to say. I'd date ANYONE who treated me like crap, but if i generally sensed the person had feelings for me that aren't affected by my overall grossness, I would NEVER go there, no matter how much I wanted to.

I feel like..I just need someone to open me up, pour me out, -hold me. Like, those miracle love stories you see on TV-the ones that REALLY happen though. For average people-and people like me. I feel like i should just become a nun..I mean. What's the point of hoping for love when you know it won't happen for you?

Sometimes, writing fanfiction makes me sad. The happy endings I-and everyone else is so accustomed to. They suck the sprit out of me just as much as the sad endings do. Fiction people..they are so _perfect_ in every way. For example-cat, tori, jade. They are beautiful, have a lovely personality, and if they have a sad ending they can easily get a happy one somewhere else.

When I see the pretty/beautiful girls on Tv..it strikes me down even lower. It's not jealousy-(Well some of it is, of course) but the rest is a strong want to be them. I don't want to be myself anymore. I don't cry everytime I see someone gorgeous (That would be bad, yeah?) But it all adds up over the days, and when i'm caught off guard, and I can't take anymore, I just breakdown and WISH i could be like them. It's the main cause of most of my anxiety attacks nowadays...

I know how bitter I am.

I hate it.

But, what could I possibly do to fix it?

I can't just wake up and love myself. I tried, and that technique was called, lying to myself. It crashed and burned after a few days. I'm not a good actress..did i mention that? I suck at everything. Even writing..I should just quit everything. My writing, my hopes. My future. And just..

Lay here.

Forever.

A/N : Review if you actually read all of this..I give you props if you did. I bore myself. I need help. PM if you want..I'll reply now, I promise! I'm thinking I won't get any, unless it's hate mail.. because I realize i sound like a whiny brat...eh. Sorry. I just have..emotions and stuff. And don't quite know where else to put it. Sorry again..


	4. I Promise,Next Time I'll Find A New Site

My heart is picking up speed right now and I literally needs to calm the fuck down before I die.

I'm not having a panic attack, but i'm close to it.

So here i am...

You know I wouldn't bother to post on this 'Fic? Story? Journal' Unless there is something seriously bothering me, because, I do still like to..do things like, following guidelines and doing this ain't in it. Even Cat knows that one...'course I don't think she reads fanfic and..that reminds me of that story I read...

Anyways.

I'm back to thinking suicidal...

It's not the 'Omg everything sucks I wanna die' type..no.

It's the slow gradual feelings of depression that wash over me..and the hopeless thoughts.

I won't get into that though.

I'll just tell you the shit that has been happening (And I promise next time i'll find a place to go for this shit...but the socialanxietysupport forums just dont soothe me or make me feel comfty)

I'm being replaced..by the girl I love so much.

No not like that.

It used to be like that but the feelings faded when I found out she was only 13..and lied to me about that for the longest.

I've known her through text for a year, now..and I know you're thinking 'It can't be that serious a friendship then'...but it is.

We both have social anxiety issues, we've pulled each other through so much in just a year..made each other smile on our darkest days..and I just feel like she's forgetting that, now that this guy has come along.

He makes her feel good.

And i'm SO happy about that..

But she says things like he makes me feel so comfortable and I can only do this with him and..

I feel like crap automatically. She use to say those things about me..and our friendship..but now it just changes?

She talks on the PHONE with him...we've never done that..ever. And a side of me thinks 'Ok, maybe that's a good thing..two people with social anxiety probably shouldnt talk over the phone' but then..

It makes me feel like i'm not good enough, eithier..

And she's not texting me...I know it's because she's talking to him. It's not a clingy thing..but she'd just stop texting me completly out of the random in the middle of a convo and never get back to me..

I feel like I might have to let her go..because she makes me cry everynight..

I keep thinking..she doesn't care about me anymore now that he's there... And..I honestly...can't take that..

It's why i'm feeling so suicidal..

I have other friends I text...but they ignore me too sometimes, though I care less then...(Less, but I still care..)

And..Another thing.

God I wish I had someone like she did. I really do...it doesn't even have to lead to a love interest or something like i'm sure hers will (or has, idk) I just wish I had someone I actually COULD talk to over the phone. Someone who was patient with me when I spazzed and couldn't speak (Because I get so overwhelming scared)

People my age don't put up with people like me.. They want FUN friends full of HUMOR and JOY. And I...I'm just not that. No..I'm not someone with no sense of humor..but I have social anxiety...I'm not as bubbly as people want...I get scared. Nervous..And I feel like i'll never find anyone..

Who will want to deal with me..

I just feel so low... I have to literally fight myself with every fiber of my being not to sink lower into that tub and just drown myself...

other than my family...Whom don't really get me no matter how hard i try to make them (And they only end up making me feel worse, even if it is by accident..) I literally have noone who cares about me..nobody I can count on to actually be THERE for me..

And my heart just hurts because of that.

Physically (my chest always feels so tight and constricted) and emotionally

It hurts...

Everythng does..


End file.
